croquis

  And so the croquis' begin. This photo is one of my many inspirations for the classic nineteen twenties collection I intend to complete as my final project in my Fashion Design course. 

And thus the sketching begins.

an awakening.

i honestly don't know what the concoction has been to incur this.

possibly..

the grace of always forgiving friends?

to be surrounded by such loyal, faithful ones?

to experience unconditional love every day from so many around me?

i stand humbled. humiliated. and yet..

so full of hope. hope in the future.

hope in grace.

who am i to boast in my pains, woes, 'miseries'.

who am i to be emotionally unstable? depressed? heavy-hearted?

who am i to justify my foolish actions because of 'where i've been'?

wake up lauren. i am surrounded by a hurting, suffering, lost, sea of people.

and i'm just one of the crowd. 

it's about time i forced myself out of this self-pity mentality.

who am i kidding?

it is impossible for me to truly whole-heartedly love and serve those around me

if i'm always thinking about myself.

if i'm always nostalgic. 

i thank god for second chances.

and i thank friends who care enough to love me through all of this shit.

oh and? i thank god the world does NOT revolve around me and my circumstances. 

i desire a life of love... to constantly pour myself out for other people.. 

god give me the strength to redirect my attention on what is actually important. to live a life of service to others. to humble myself before everyone.. and just accept, and love people where they are at. 

joy

the sun is beaming through my window pane..

and i can't help but feel a little bit 'warmer'.

ravishing day! 

i praise god, for light. for air. for breath. for beauty. for the light at the end of a sometimes seemingly endless tunnel.

joy.

ps? i am in love with anthony green.

spunk

   Spunk.

every day, i blanket myself with sarcasm

with giggles. amiable smiles.

a pleasant nod here and there.

Sardonic.

its become my self defense mechanism. 

i've always been genuine..

but now.. i fear opening up

i'm scared of making myself vulnerable..

people really dont know how to take it.

they can't handle the intense depth of my past. 

And those that do know..

tire of hearing it.

the last thing i want is to be two-faced.

but i fear the moments when i lift my blanket,

when i open myself up, to the judgement 

of a seemingly shallow people.

A genuine compassionate person,

who can find?

rare.

 help me stop reminiscing.

My mind rests so easily in my past

and finds such discomfort in the present.

 help me find comfort in the discomfort.

And joy in the discontented "now".

Give me the gumption to be who i am.

and not who i think people want me to be.

Real.

Genuine.

Authentic.

Gracious.

my fists are clenched. 

father give me strength to let go.

to live unchained from these memories that linger.

"greater things are yet to come, 

greater things are still to be done."

words fall short.

what is there to be said? 

words. words words words.

timeless

    

     Truly, I am in love with this era. My heart lies in the twenties.

Such refined elegance.  

yellow fields

Some things just aren't simple. 

Or easy.

god, help me.

Ambitions

      I already fear my ambitions. I fight myself everyday. There are moments when i drive myself crazy. Two personalities have taken form. Fifty percent of me is completely enamored with the fashion industry, and thrilled about pursuing it with everything in me. And yet, I am such a fervent believer in minimalism.. simplicity..

    I honestly don't know if I want to live a life that is so completely intoxicated with materialism. Is it possible to immerse myself in an industry like this without becoming superficial and shallow?

   Half of me still wants to be a simple, gracious, loving hippie until the day I die.

Inspiration and Questions

   "Maybe Not" by Cat Power.  

      What an inspiration. i've never truly listened to melodies that truly personified the music, feel, and ambiance i want to create. What an encouragement. My mind just simply won't stop spinning... adding ingredients to this developing melody mural i want to paint.  It's taking over me. 

       Life here is unlike anything i anticipated. distance, detachment. all at once life has yet another aspect.. another perspective. another experience. 

      Isolation is so freeing, and yet so fearful. i've learned more about myself in the last two weeks than i have.. in quite some time. Strengths.. weaknesses. ah.