a hankering.

It's time.

Time for new aspirations, a page is turning.

In moments like these, I can't help but sit in silence. Allowing my mind to replay all of my life experiences can be sobering, humbling, but is also insightful and maturing.

While reminiscing is important, I can feel my heart preparing for a new season. I'm done mourning the loss of so many dreams and lost ideas. They're dimming in the background whilst things new and exciting begin to take form in my headlights. God has a plan, and as long as I trust in His sovereignty, I'm at peace. I'm at peace with the loneliness, raising a radiant daughter on my own, juggling career paths, aesthetic dreams, and responsibilities.

For so long I was afraid my "life circumstance" would hold me back, and handicap me from pursuing what I've always been nutso passionate about. Truthfully, it's just taken me a good while to discover how all of that CAN be accomplished with self discipline and forethought.

These are the things I've been ruminating on:

I have an overflowing passion for people that can't be contained. More specifically, the destitute, and even more specifically: single moms and hurting women. In some way, I feel like God is calling me to invest myself in this social genre. Of course I've dreamt of building a safe house for single moms to rehabilitate during pregnancy, but I also know that this is a lofty dream, and God's plan is much more beautiful than my own. I trust that He knows what He's doing.

I have always dreamt of writing a book. It's high time I invested myself in the written word more often again, and gradually worked towards that goal.

There is nothing that speaks to me in the same intimate way as music, and I know that passion is there for a reason. I've had millions of avant-garde ideas floating around lyrically and melodically for two years now, and it's high time I applied and invested it. I desperately want to portray an image of hope amongst life's pain in a musical form.

I also want to invest myself in becoming gradually more and more self reliant. Gardening, crafting, sewing, all wonderful avenues of productivity and a healthy way of life. I genuinely want to raise Eloise with the realization that the American materialistic mindset is far less superior than the soil we walk on. Natural beauty is where it's at. Oh, I could go on.

Yes, I could ramble for hours. My mind is spinning, and I feel like God has yet again blessed me with a clean slate and a yearning desire to make amends and start fresh. Now that I've become more acclimated to my position at work, I'm ready to begin taking on new goals.

Enough is enough! For now, shalom.

mountains and valleys, shmph!

It's been too long, too long since I invested time in self expression.

These last few months have been.. mountains and valleys.
Stop.
Why do we always imagine the "hard" times as valleys?
Dark, desolate, full of tremors and lost paths.
Why do we always imagine the "good" times as mountains?
Aloft, drifting in the skies? Overflowing with transcending, radiant beauty?
I take what Souza says into consideration.

"For a long time it seemed to me that
life was about to begin- real life.
... but there was always some obstacle
in the way, something to be gotten
through first, some unfinished
business, time still to be served,
... at last it dawned on me
that these obstacles were my life.
.. every moment that you have, remember
that time waits for no one."

What if we focused and obsessed over the transcendent "beautiful" times,
that we made ourselves unable to embrace life itself?

These last few months, I have felt heartache, abandonment, confusion, and betrayal.
I have found beauty in the heartache, community after abandonment, answers amongst my confusion, and comfort whilst seeming betrayed.

My heart felt aloft, nay, transcendent, when I finally accepted my sovereign Savior's plan for my life.
This momentary time we have is not meant to be picture perfect.
It's meant to grow, stretch, mold, and make us into who we will become.

Why dwell on the negative? Why allow ourselves to relish in the melancholy?
Certainly, there is a time for sorrow, and a time for laughter. And a wise man knows the difference between the two.

Too many allow themselves to be defined by the pain and heartache of life itself, and lose sight of how priceless those experiences can be. Allow it to mature your heart, allow yourself to heal. Allow yourself to learn, and become a stronger person because of it.

If you find strength in our sovereign God, you can find joy that transcends the "valleys"
and discover them to be mountains of their own.

Sometimes "living out your dreams" isn't all that it's cracked up to be in fairy tales.
Sometimes the real life fairy tale is living your life with your family beside you.
Too many idolize some idealistic idea of freedom, and miss out on what is truly timeless.

Sometimes TRUE freedom, is sacrifice.

Sometimes REAL living isn't chasing taxis in London. Or playing concerts in Paris.

REAL living can be as simple, and beautiful as munching on breakfast with your daughter every morning, and giggling through the pages of a Golden Book every night. Timeless.

Material things can be so fleeting.

The concept of 'image' can be so fleeting.

Real beauty is the bond you make, and the security your child develops in knowing you will always be there for her, every step of the way. Is the way she knows she's home when she's in your arms.

It breaks my heart to witness the aftermath, the "left behind" if you will, of a self focused, destructive lifestyle. It's almost been two years, and my heart still hurts. Every day, I grow to love my precious little bear more. And every day, I ache for what she doesn't have.

I have complete comfort in the knowledge that everything happens for a reason.

Eloise and I are battling out life together for a reason.

And every day, I am more humbled, more baffled, and more thankful for God's grace in my life.

I pray He continues to stretch, mold, and make me (as painful as it is) into what He sees fit.

Because after all, He disciplines us because He loves us.

oh hai, blogger world

Silly me, it's been too long.

Eloise's radiant love for life grows every day--

and she's bubbling with more personality than I know what to do with.

Can you see it in her eyes?

Passion, at 15 months.

Haha, I don't know why I was ever surprised.

It's already noticeable that even as a toddler,

she feels things deeply.

She melts my heart every day,

certainly the best mini life companion I could ever ask for.

Her favorites?

Hammocks. Leaves. Baths. Strawberries. Wind. Music. Dancing. Climbing.

Yes, I think we'll get along just fine :).

______

In case you hadn't heard, there's a handsome fella in our life!

Oh lordie is he debonaire and charming

but don't let his quiet, reserved temperament fool you..

this one's quite the character.

He's working full time in a photography studio, and we're really proud.

________

I'm continuing to learn more and more mummie wisdom every day.

Ouisie's little life is constantly evolving, and with it so is my knowledge.

I swear, right when you conquer a phase, they're on to the next.

Parenting isn't what I ever expected it to be, but it's better.

It's the hardest thing I have ever done, but it has stretched, humbled, and matured me.

There's no time for "me" in the equation.

It really is remarkable how self focused we naturally tend to become when we have freedom, independence, and liberty.

For awhile, I thought I missed that freedom. I'd see young singles gallivanting around, playing, living passionately in every moment and embracing their dreams..

and I missed it.

In fact, for awhile it was hard to even be around it without a slight tinge of jealousy.

"Why, why do I have to be in this alone?!"

It hurt. A lot.

But I have come to realize how precious, and priceless raising my daughter is.

And it is far more important to me, and life changing

than spending my days, feeding my personal desires. Even if all I want is a quiet afternoon with a book.

Loving her is realizing that if I need to work two jobs, and prolong school so I can provide, it will be done.

It's recognizing the importance of utilizing even my scarce free time to keep us on track by doing laundry, doctors visits, organizing, cleaning, cooking, etc.

Being a single mom is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done,

but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Eloise's existence was a wake up call, I think God knew I needed her to realize how desperately I needed Him.

Irony, right?

But every day I am more thankful.

And every day I am reminded even more, of how puny I am

and how sovereign, and loving God is.

I've been pouring through Habakkuk recently, and good golly it's exactly what I needed.

Til next time.

Photo Credits: Sarah Ice Photography & Eric Anderson Photography

by definition: stunning.

it still blows my mind, and seems unreal.. that something so exquisite could have
originated and developed inside me.

why change the past?

go forward, that's where all the adventures are.

we forget the past naturally.

but the future is the unknown..

and that's exciting.

bullet point thoughts.

1) I don't know if my tummy can get any bigger.. it's hurting all the time, with darling daily doses of contractions. Every day is a new surprise! And I swear, pregnancy has got to be the biggest out of body experience. I never knew, and never tried to imagine what it was like to literally *grow* and *evolve* a child within me. 

2) I met with my midwives yesterday.. and it's getting to be that time. You know, the pack your bags, plan your "visitors chart", and brace yourself -- time. They make me giggle.. I'm determined to make this labor something entirely special.. hot tubs, candles, incense, arvo part, you name it. we'll see! it's all in the works.

3) I am done done done done done done done. I am so ready to have my body back-- no lie. I have a feeling this last month is going to be a batttttttttle. I can already feel my emotions changing, my body changing, my surroundings changing, haha even my INSIDES changing! 

Some days I am so capable of giggling, laughing, and making light of the whole situation. Tonight? Realistically? I am begggging God for strength. And I empathize with the Psalmist, when he wails in pain and yet proclaims God's grace and sovereignty. In my head, and in my heart-- i know this will all work out.. and that it will be a blessing that greatly effects and encourages many. It's my emotions, my 'feelings', my fabulous hormones, that like to make me think otherwise. Wisdom is found not in the senses; not in how we experience things-- but rather through Biblical truth and a desire to glorify Christ in the end. I pray I can maintain focus. That I can grow and mature this beautiful little hippie girl to embrace both the beauty of grace, compassion, and love, as well as wisdom, self control, and discipline. That she will fall in love with simplicity, humility, and a sacrificial love for others. That she will know the difference between the mundane, and the important things in life. 

I don't want to raise my child as an American child. I want to raise her with a perspective that looks far beyond finding identity in material things. 

Just a few thoughts. My stomach is contracting again so I'm going to go lay down.