free?

i long to soar through life with no strings attached. 

to embrace every experience, every person in my life, without the pain that 'experience' often introduces. 

i'm realizing that time never seems to be on my side.

that maybe i'm supposed to be alone and vagabond for a very long time before the right companion comes along. 

and somedays, i'm really okay with that. but today? i'm a little heavy hearted. 

last night was... an adventure of intimate conversation.

one i shared with a darling man i both love and respect.

it was a dance of words. lovely ones. 

ah, but time. how i wish i could ignore the importance of placement.

unfortunately, we're too smart to waste the chance of something precious on 

ill-timing and bad preparation.

"In a different time and place I would have done anything to live the rest of my life next to you."

"You are worth all pursuit and far more. I have never met a soul of such beauty and I am dazzled by it."

sometimes, somedays, all you really can do is sigh. 

maybe smoke a cigarette. 

shake you're head, hope there's a master plan better than you yourself could concoct.

and push on.

god, i know you know what you're doing.

but sometimes i struggle with trusting in that.

weak?

i've discovered something about myself.

my most penetrating weak spot.

i really don't know why it is,

but i absolutely cannot tolerate people yelling at me.

there's something inside me that craters completely

and i loose all desire to do/say & think

what is right.

i either become insanely irrational with what i say in response,

or i start bawling my eyes out.

why is this?

to loose all composure.

it's a silly weakness, i think.

Inspiration

Mirah. New Inspiration.

i love her simplicity..

relaxed natural tone quality.

mm yes.

It has been a lovely couple of days, overflowing with encouragement in the realm of music.

Many opportunities have introduced themselves, and I am overwhelmed!!

I have about three projects with different artists so far,

and I'm finally getting my name out there! Crazyy!

Who would have thought?!

I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am..

and how undeserving i feel for all this attention.

I'm humbled, and excited. =)

ahhhhhhh.

winter beards

what a sightly day!

a cool front has eased it's way in, and it just makes for the perfect weather.

scarves, boots, and good books. 

warm drinks, zealous conversation.

winter beards. shaggy hair.

denton hippie love.

a comely day.

exciting =)

and my first

rocky horror picture show 

tonight.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

and i quote

my favorite book of all time..

"It's like if I blamed my aunt Helen, I would have to blame her dad for hitting her and the friend of the family that fooled around with her when she was little. And the person that fooled around with him. And God for not stopping all this and things that are much worse. And I did do that for a while, but then I just couldn't anymore. Because it wasn't going anywhere. Because it wasn't the point.

I'm not the way I am because of what I dreamt and remembered about my aunt Helen. That's what I figured out when things got quiet. And I think that's very important to know. It made things feel clear and together. Don't get me wrong. I know what happened was important. And I needed to remember it. But it's like when my doctor told me the story of these two brothers whose dad was a bad alcoholic. One brother grew up to be a successful carpenter who never drank. The other brother ended up being a drinker as bad as his dad was. When they asked the first brother why he didn't drink, he said that after he saw what it did to his father, he could never bring himself to even try it. When they asked the other brother, he said that he guessed he learned how to drink on his father's knee. So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can feel okay about them.

I think if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad. Just like what my sister said when I had been in the hospital for a while. She said that she was really worried about going to college, and considering what I was going through, she felt really dumb about it. But I don't know why she would feel dumb. I'd be worried, too. And really, I don't think I have it any better or worse than she does. I don't know, It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Like Sam said. Because it's okay to feel things. And be who you are about them."

...........

"As we went into the tunnel, I didn't hold up my arms like I was flying. I just let the wind rush over my face. And I started crying and smiling at the same time. Because I couldn't help feeling just how much I loved my aunt Helen for buying me two presents. And how much I wanted the present I bought my mom for my birthday to be really special. And how much I wanted my sister and brother and Sam and Patrick and everyone else to be happy. But mostly, I was crying because I was suddenly very aware of the fact that it was me standing up in that tunnel with the wind over my face. Not caring if I saw downtown. Not even thinking about it. Because I was standing in the tunnel. And I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. "

hugs

everyone needs a hug every once in a while. it's amazing to me how universal our struggles are. it doesn't matter what is driving you mad, there will always be someone else who has either been there, or is also going through the same thing. its humbling to admit, because we like to think everything revolves around us. we like to embrace the "truth" that our situation is completely unique from every other circumstance. but it isn't.. and when you realize that you're just one in a million hurting people, you are capable of so much more love and affection towards those around you.

  

today.. has been a booger of a day. let me just say that.

trinkets

Trinkets of Interest..

    a Hammond XK-1 Drawbar Organ

      lovely.

      a Nord Stage 88 Stage Piano

grip

in this dark hour.

i want to appreciate

the beauty of shadows.

of darkness.

and have hope.

hope for a 'morrow

unlike today.

----

i'm loosing my grip on reality.

i can't focus or concentrate on school

and what needs to be done.

my mind just isn't there. 

i'm drained, exhausted.

----

forgive me for being emotional.

----

let it be. just let it be.

breathe. 

neighborhood #4

I am waitin' 'til I don't know when,

cause I'm sure it's gonna happen then.

Time keeps creepin' through the neighborhood,

killing old folks, wakin' up babies

just like we knew it would.

All the neighbors are startin' up a fire,

burning all the old folks the witches and the liars.

My eyes are covered by the hands of my unborn kids,

but my heart keeps watchin'

through the skin of my eyelids.

They say a watched pot won't ever boil,

well I closed my eyes and nothin' changed,

just some water getting hotter in the flames.

It's not a lover I want no more,

and it's not heaven I'm pining for,

but there's some spirit I used to know,

that's been drowned out by the radio!

They say a watched pot won't ever boil,

you can't raise a baby on motor oil,

just like a seed down in the soil

you gotta give it time.

wow

i sit here, absolutely blown away and mesmerized by the grace in my life.

i just spent a weekend with some of the most beautiful souls..

and i couldn't be more grateful for genuine authenticity than i am right now.

people who don't stray away from depth. 

who love whole heartedly.

who persist on through life with such passion, drive, and determination. 

who flourish amongst seemingly painful 'life circumstance'.

wow.