a rockin day.

today was beautiful. 

i can't begin to express the fluttery feeling in my chest. the weight of life is gone, and i can't wipe a goofy smile off my face. 

dear sweet caitlin had never heard me play before, so today we ventured to the practice rooms.

i let my fingers glide against the ivory for a few minutes, and expressed myself as best as i know how. sheepishly turning around, i was surprised to find caitlin with tears in her eyes and a dumbfounded expression. "i had no idea you were this good.. " 

i never knew i was capable of moving someone like that. and the fact that i'm gaining respect from countless phenomenal musicians blows my mind. 

the idea that i can do what i love.. and do it well? is beyond me. i never knew.

peachy memorables of the day?

-hiding behind the counter-tops at work giggling on the floor with chelsea.

-watching the sunset next to a sparkling pond with caitlin.

-bringing someone to tears with my music. damn.

dear god,

you really do know what you're doin up there, don't you?

you're pretty fabulous.

live

don’t take today for granted. Live, and live well. Live vicariously through YOURSELF and no one else. Live your dreams, your passions, your pursuits. Love those you LOVE, not those you ‘should’ love. Embrace every moment. Never allow yourself to let an experience pass by while you’re day dreaming somewhere else.

Be. Where. You. Are. No questions asked.

and with that being said, dont waste time. Time waits on no man. 

When you’re alone, embrace solitude.

When you’re immersed in a crowd, cherish those around you.

When you’re single, just be who you are, carefree with nothing to tie you down.

When you’re in love, love with all your might. Invest everything you have, and never allow fears or weaknesses to hold you back from truly LOVING.

every phase of life has it’s own delicate intricacy.. it’s own particular beauty.

what does living mean? it’s everything and anything. it can be molded into so many things.. as long as you let it. but you won’t live when you achieve that certain something.. when your arms are around that certain someone.. when you’re living in that certain place.. 

living is now. living is typing these words in my macbook. living is your eyes scrolling across this screen. 

so drink it in. and live.

and don’t let anything hold you back from painting one hell of a beautiful mural of experiences.

the end.

postscript:

i love a boy, and i don't care who knows it.

tricksty.

(above: Vetiver's Andy Cabic and Myself)

this week has been pretty ridiculous, to say the least. i wish words were like wild flowers, and i could pick a beautiful disarray of blossoms to communicate the experience i'm walking away from. so many moments where time stood still, and life seemed almost as though a dream, playing before my eyes. 

i'm walking away, eyes opened and aware of things that they never have been before. i've learned, and i'm still learning. constantly being chiseled at by circumstance and experience. 

for awhile there, i felt as though i was drifting through a foggy swamp, trying to figure out how i felt about certain things, certain people, certain circumstance. 

it's done. i finally see things as they are. i wish i knew how to explain it better than that.

i am done playing games. with myself, and with everyone around me. the question is.. will life stop playing games with me? you know it's funny.. life, that is. it's rather typical that when you finally decide what you want, it's out of reach. and i guess all i can really do is sigh, laugh a little,  and think "silly girl, what were you thinking taking your time making a decision like that anyway?". life's so much easier when you can laugh. 

i blew not one, but both of my left tires on my car today. from running into a medium in the middle of the road. i swear, sometimes i think i'm a magnet for chaos. honestly? i just started laughing. this life, and all it's crazy havoc just keeps me on my tippy toes. and i spose i wouldn't have it any other way.

one last thought?

i really do hope what i desire isn't out of my reach. i feel like a fool.. finally acknowledging something that's been staring me in the face for a really long time. and i've been ranting and raving denial.

i guess i could pull a cliche, and mutter in a deep elongated tone..

"well, if it doesn't work, it's for the best." 

but honestly? i really don't want to.

bam.

today has been a day for swinging, radiant weather, and uplifting conversation. 

dear sweet caroline and i swung with delight in the park and talked our hearts out. 

i realized something.

it's about time i started living. enough said.

more news. my hair is finally growing long again.. 

i'm beginning to feel like a little lady.. and it's too much silly fun. 

it feels so pretty, blowing in the wind.

ah, embracing the simple things. 

i made sidewalk chalk art all by myself yesterday, and loved every minute of it.

so many precious old people walked by with their pets and gave me sheepish looks..

i giggled to myself, thinking about how they probably thought i was a loon. nope, i'm all here ;-)

i came to yet another brilliant realization. 

i'm not the only one who loves so deeply.. so intimately. 

often times, my genuine intensity scares people away... 

people fear the fact that they don't know how to return such depth of affection.

it's true, i love without holding back. i love with everything in me.

and while most people walk around covered in skin..

it's almost as though i'm naked.. organs n' all dangling for all to see.

i have no ordinary skin to protect me from hurt..

"the greater the love, the greater the loss."

i feel more than most. 

ah, but how much ordinaries miss.

a more depth of pain also means a more depth of happiness.. joy.. 

i am who i am, with nothing held back.

my dear sweet friend jared helped me realize that i'm not a fool.. 

i'm this way for a reason. and it's really okay to not be normal.

what's normalcy anyway? 

a bland cracker. a weak cup of coffee.

why not spark things up a bit? why not keep people on their toes.

why not risk pain, in order to sacrifice and try to achieve happiness?

fools choose apathy.

you're not living if you're numb.

so i choose to live. and to live without holding anything back.

i choose vulnerability. 

oh and by the way?

i don't expect that depth of love in return. that ruins the purpose.

love isn't love, if it's done for something in return.

live live live!!! life is too short to let it pass by without embracing the color and vitality this world has to offer. bam. 

one day and count down..

Cannot wait to see these fella's live once more. Hours are passing, and I'm getting more and more stir crazy about sxsw. One of my friends told me that it was going to be "so crazy.. you might just die lauren!" Haha I doubt that.. but I am a little intrigued to see how this week plays out. I'm stoked to meet all these crazy cats Aaron keeps telling me about.. It's going to be an adventure to say the least. Ahhh!

i'm a folk fool. it's as simple as that.

i should be studying.. typing.. reading.. 

anything but this!

i can't help but drink this in... i'm eating it up.

swallowing it whole.

my fingertips are just aching to touch ivory and "apply".

finally finding new inspiration.

oh my lands!!!

Alela Diane. 

Can you say fabulous?

God, how i wish i played the guitar.

it may be about time i started learning.

folk/acoustic/americana goodness.

perspective.

its one of 'those' days.

a day for wine and cheese..

a day for cigarettes and coffee..

a day for summer dresses and bare feet. 

a day you don't wanna spend alone.

or with just any company..

but the jolly company, you know?

those particular lovelies that put a smile on your face.

it's a day for making music..

with sitars and harmonicas.

a day for making love..

and being loved.

i miss.

yes, i miss.

feather gracing cheeks

and a solemn stare.

i wish within was as beautiful a day

as the one outside my window pane.

rambling cantankerous.

i find myself constantly placing myself in other peoples lives

mentally slipping on their shoes and glancing at the world through their eyes

picturing life with their height, weight, gender, and age..

considering their possible struggles with society..

forever feeling compassion for strangers.

i often wonder what other people stereotype me as..

what they assume my struggles are..

am I classified as the stereotypical musician,

pompous hipster.. or something entirely different?

i've become so many things I wanted

and lost so much I once had.

when I'm smoking, I'm sure 'they' think I'm depressed..

that I've seen myself through pain..

that I'm emotionally unstable, and bitter.

that I hate men.

who's 'they'? the grand populous bubble of thought.

it's unfortunate we all make the same generalizations..

assumptions seem to run us ragged as a society.

we're all trying to fit some mold.

even if the mold is attempting to 'not fit a mold'.

and we're always tired. constantly running on fumes..

there's always something..

we loose track of life, and the people around us.

we look, label, and dismiss.

mere faces in a crowd.

it's all about me, anyways right?

but if it's all about you.

and it's all about me.

who's it really about?

time is like a steam engine we're constantly trying to catch..

and yet he continues, Ol' Time.

chugging along with nothing to stop him but Death.

Death. the beginning and the end of something beautiful.

a rite of passage.. into the unknown..

possibly the greatest adventure we have before us.

but do we know who'll be riding that roller coaster with us?

or are we only in tune with ourselves.

where's the value in isolation?

where's the joy in solitude?

there is none.

so maybe we should have a wake up call..

open our eyes..

and take a look around us for once.

for once without the funnel of thought,

that judges, assumes, and dismisses.

lonely anywhere, by the everybodyfields.

i'm sorry, you're angry

good night, and good bye

but we need to keep looking into

each other's eyes

even though it hurts to see the one you love

but can't help despise.

start writing 

make a list of your plans for the year

and send me a little note in the mail

when my name appears on your list 

of things to do

if you ever can see past you

i'll keep some days clear

and i can be lonely here

yes i can be lonely anywhere

and i can be lonely here

and i can be lonely

i walk in

you walk out of rooms everywhere

i'm talking

you're looking through me

with a blank stare

and i can't help but ask if today would be my last

would you care?